“Whatever you want!” This statement is the quickest way to devalue yourself. There is a huge difference between letting someone else make a decision and forcing someone else to make a decision. What you consider to be accommodating is actually annoying.
Making a decision is hard, and nobody wants that responsibility. The narcissist can happily make unilateral decisions without outside input and not think twice about the potential outcome or how it effects others. Conversely, good leaders agonize over making the right decision when that responsibility falls on them.
How much sleep do leaders get? Much less than followers. The stress and potential repercussions are tough to handle. Never push this anxiety onto other people who have no intention of taking it on.
Carry Your Weight.
Decision making becomes easier when decisions are made as a group. Then, the responsibility is distributed to others. Like carrying a heavy weight, one person holding 300 pounds struggles more than five people carrying 60 pounds. The cooperative five person group is happier and less stressed.
Your “selflessness” puts your portion of the weight back onto the group. If you could be honest with yourself, you would see that you are, in fact, being lazy.
If two of you are involved in a decision making process and you say “I don’t care” or “whatever you want” to your counterpart, you take your 150 pounds and toss it on his or her back. You essentially become dead weight.
Your Inaction Makes You Disposable.
Nobody respects the “whatever you want” person. You contribute nothing even though you think you are lessening the burden by going with the flow. The group will cut you loose. Yet, you will resent them and not understand why they let you go. You will settle for calling them unappreciative jerks. Actually, you are the jerk.
Going with the flow is a self-absorbed attitude. Think about working on a project at work. Imagine being paired up with another employee to work on a presentation, and you constantly hit your partner with “whatever you want” with each decision. You think you are making it easy on your partner because he or she does not have to consider your feelings.
Who do you think you are? They don’t care about your feelings! They care about completing the project correctly. Your input helps that happen.
Aid the Process with Your Input.
The Empowered Prose system is based on making things easier for people and providing value. You do this by giving your opinion, providing information.
When presented with a situation in which you are asked for your opinion or you see that the group is fishing for input, lend your perspective. Become part of the team.
People prefer to act in groups because it makes life easier. When you give your input instead of bowing out, you take the pressure off of everyone else and become part of the team. That is how you gain appreciation, not by hiding behind your faux selflessness.
Maximize Input with a Communication System.
Many people fear giving an opinion and use the whatever you want alternative because they think their opinion means nothing. This is nonsense! You have a perspective. Therefore, you have value!
You must overcome the difference by systematically presenting your opinion. Your system must have three ingredients: 1) personal touch, 2) contributory intent, and 3) confidence.
1. Personal Touch
Your opinion must be your own, but it does not have to be original. For instance, you can say “I agree with Steve. We should go to Chipotle.” (Certainly, you know that food is one of the most common group debates.) But, it must come from your thoughts!
Saying, “All of that sounds good” or “I agree with all of that” is the same as saying “I don’t care.” If you don’t care about the group, they won’t care about you. Why would they? These decisions effect their lives enough to have a discussion, and you just said it doesn’t matter to you. Cool, find a new group.
2. Contributory Intent
To show that the decision matters, speak with the intent to enhance the lives of everyone involved. Why does your opinion matter to the group? Because it is new, unique information. That is what the group is looking for. It is additional input that takes pressure off of them and helps reach a conclusion.
Conversely, your input does not include contributory intent if you say, “I’m going to do my own thing, instead.” That doesn’t help because it only includes the first ingredient, personal touch. Though that might be better than saying “I don’t care”, it does not endear you to the group. Relying solely on personal touch will eventually cause the group to cut you loose.
Instead, you have to show that you are listening, and you intend to help everyone else.
3. Confidence
Lastly, your opinion is just as valuable as everyone else’s. If your input is contrary to others in the group, you might catch some flack. If you backtrack as a result of the negative feedback, you lose value. The rest of the group cannot rely on you to stand strong. Any respect they had for you goes away, and you become dead weight.
A change in direction must be your own decision as a result of logic and emotion. This is an informed change, and it shows your power to admit you are wrong. That admission has to be your decision. Nobody else forces you into it.
Do you have trouble breaking into group conversation? Do you feel like your input is not valuable? It is! You are unique and people can use your perspective! Learn to show them your value and have the confidence to rise in the group!
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